Rose Poem

Roses

The dead roses kept in their imprisoning vase,
All except for one.

Alive and glowing it laughs at the other flowers
It laughs at me

Awake to the false sunlight, stretching to the ceiling
I am the caregiver

The sweet smell becomes bitter
Its face frowning down
Sadly it cries, because now it knows it’s time to die.

I am the destroyer

Pretty little petals used to be wild
Now turn to ash in my hand.


Can't Hold On For Too Long

i waited so long to feel your touch just once more
i wanted too long for you to come running
but now the time has come and gone and i cant keep holding on to this memory
i played myself the fool thought you and i could make it
through the rough times but ive been left here waitin
you tell me that you love me
but i just cant believe in you
when youre not here and im all alone
its hard to hear you say i love you through the phone

when are you comin back around
when i will i see you again
i travel these lonesome grounds
wishing you'll be here once more
but with the slamming of the door
i know that you wont be comin back no more.
but then you tell me that you love me,
say baby it'll be alright
but i just cant believe you
not when im alone again tonight.
cause i travel this road day after day
dreamin that you'll be there when i get home
but then there's not even a message left on the phone

i was here but now im gone
cause i just cant hold on

Literary Theory in Every Day Life

After studying the idea of Literary Theory for a few weeks, I've come to realize that you can find certain ideas of Literary theory in every day life. Studying Ferdinand de Saussure's ideas of signs, signifier and the signified in the ways we study, interpret and learn Language I found that this idea comes to life in the Your Baby Can Read early language development system, the baby sees the word, hears it and then sees a picture of the word. This proves Saussure's idea. He said the signifier is the language (the spoken word) and the thing it signifies is the concept (the picture), which results in the sign. I never imagined that when learning about Saussure and other Literary Critics I would recognize their theories in my modern life. Speaking of which, I whole heartedly believe that through the recreations of our histories stories into modern day life helps education us who struggle with the language of the past. For example, William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet is a difficult play to read in old English due to our modernization of his language. I am constantly having to refer to the footnotes and other authors commentary on the play to barely understand the concept. So in 1996 when Baz Luhrmann directed Romeo and Juliet staring Leonardo DiCaprio and Clara Danes this helped me better understand Shakespeare's play. The best part of the movie is the fact that the script is in fact purely William Shakespeare, however because I can see the play visually and not just printed text on a page I can grasp the concept and ideas inside the play as a whole.

Right now I am watching the adaptation of Chaucer's A Knights Tale with Heath Ledge (love him!) and noticed the theory of Capitalism. Though Capitalism wasn't establish until several hundred years after Chaucer one can take notice of the capitalist idea here. Heath ledger says "A man can change his stars" meaning a peasant can "change his stars" to become nobility. This statement is what the Capitalists of America believe, however, in the time of Feudalism, such as when Chaucer wrote The Canterbury Tales, this was not possible. Chaucer may not have been a hopeful Capitalist but he narrates the idea in A Knights Tale. The fact that a peasant can indeed change his place in life or social status is in itself the definition of Capitalism; a lower working class person can rise to the upper "ruling" class. We America's believe this theory, that anyone can rise and fall within the class system whenever we so choose to. Work hard, make money rise to the upper class. Spend that money unwisely and fall back into the lower working class. It all depends on the person and how and what they choose to do in life. It seems that Chaucer believed in this idea too. And it doesn't surprise me that he would either, in the Feudal system, if you're born a peasant, you can't change that, nor can your child change it or their children. Once a peasant, always a peasant.

Also, in A Knights Tale we can take notice of the Patriarchal undertone of society. Though it is not out right spoken in this movie, count how many women characters we see throughout the movie. 3. The heiress, her maid, and the woman blacksmith. All of which are handled delicately. When Sir Orich's jousting armor is broken he takes it to several blacksmiths who refuse to work on it and point him in the direction of the woman. When the woman blacksmith refuses the first time and Sir Orich responds with "They [the male blacksmiths] told me I was daft for even asking." The female blacksmith then asks if they said she couldn't do it because shes a woman. This idea of a patriarchal society shows that women were thought to be the inferior sex, though they could do just as much as the men. As for the heiress and her maid, the heiress is idealized to be the perfect match for a knight. It does not show her doing anything "productive" she only attends the tournaments as a means for entertainment as the ruling class women did. The ruling class women did not have jobs to fulfill expect for the role of childbearing, and the maid, that's just it. She was a maid, a companion to the heiress. This shows that women in the early 15th century and even later, did not have a place in society. Though Queen Mary was the first head of the Monarch that wasn't until the 16th century. But even then society was still a patriarchal one.

In conclusion, history is not dead, it lives throughout our daily modern lives, but you must be careful for it can slip by without you even noticing it has passed by you. If you watch carefully for history in our lives we will be able to watch our own history in the making.

Apparently I'm Not Good Enough

I've been in grad school for almost three weeks now. I have successfully completed more reading in these past two weeks that I did for almost an entire semester of undergraduate work. Whew! it's exhausting. But I knew it was going to be tough and a lot of reading, I mean I am an English Major, what else would I be doing besides reading novels and writing papers?


I am really enjoying my Literature, film and life science of the oceans class, however I received a heart breaking email from my teacher this afternoon. After turning in my first weekly response paper over 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea and a few other brief articles pertaining to the subject of environmentalism, my teacher has recommended I drop her course due to my lack of writing skills... Here's a copy of the email she wrote me:

Hi Meghan,

Unfortunately, your paper was not graduate-level work.
Even though you touch on some significant questions, the ideas are
not developed in a complex and nuanced way. Moreover, the writing is
a real mess. The sentences often don't make sense. There are fragments,
run-ons, and other non-sentences throughout the paper.

It isn't just that you haven't had 5300. It looks like your writing needs some
very serious improvement before you enter graduate school.

I recommend that you drop this class and take a composition course
instead.

Dr. ________________
Professor of English
Distinguished Teaching Professor
Co-Chair of the University's Sustainability Committee
University of Texas at Arlington

Did your jaw just drop too? Because mine certainly did after reading that. Talk about a knife straight to the heart. I've never had a teacher flat out tell me my writing skills were shitty. I can't blame it on anyone but myself of course, in which I will blame it on myself for being dyslexic and being pulled out of my Language Arts classes in middle school when I was supposed to be learning grammar and punctuation, but instead I was learning the sounds letters makes and playing flash card games for candy. I will also blame it on my eagerness to get out of high school too quickly. I pushed so hard to begin college and get out of Rockwall City Limits as quickly as possible that I opted out of senior english in high school and took dual credit courses the summer after my sophomore year of high school in which we did not learn grammar or punctuation or even interpretation and analysis like most students, we wrote how-to papers, description papers, poetry and every other form of writing possible. I also blame myself for believing I wasn't good at anything but English, apparently I'm not that fantastic at it either. So, as it turns out, I will be dropping my oceans class and sticking with my required graduate English 5300 course for the semester. I just pray that I will be able to make a B in this course to maintain eligibility for graduate school. There's not really anything more I can do to better my knowledge for the required 5300 course, I am already reading and listening to lectures from a professor at UC Berkeley. Maybe English is not my cup of tea. If I do not make a sustaining grade for this course, I will be kicked out of school, which then I really haven't decided what I'll do after that. Maybe I'll start school over and go a different route, maybe biochemistry or aeronautical engineering, I suppose I could always go to ITT Tech and become a two year lab tech. Or maybe I'll just stick to my Twitter job and get a second job somewhere else. I mean life's about money not knowledge anyway right? I suppose I just had my heart set on the knowledge making me money through a teaching degree.

The funny thing is about all of this, is that UNT KSU and CSU all told me I wasn't good enough for them, and UTA gave me a chance, but now my teacher at UTA is telling me I'm not good enough. Swift Kick in The Teeth:4, Meghan:0

I just need a little faith, is all.

And surprisingly enough it just came through my inbox from my graduate advisor as I was about to hit "publish post":

Meghan, I wouldn't have admitted you to graduate
school if I didn't think your skills were adequate.
Sometimes a professor is very zealous about a course,
and sometimes a course is pitched more ambitiously
than others. 5300 is not like that, and Dr Arce will
work with you to help your writing improve. In any
event, the only way to learn to write *for* a discipline
is by writing *in* the discipline. Oddly enough, a
generic composition course in English won't help you
write very specifically for graduate English courses.


Dr.________, Professor and Associate Chair
English Department
University of Texas at Arlington


Talk about a quick sign right when I need it the most.

It's Almost Time To Climb

Well, it's Monday, the official start of most school years, but for most colleges we start either later this week or Monday next week. I start school this Thursday. I've never been more excited and nervous about starting back to school than I currently am, right now. I fear the worst because I have had a long enough break off of school that I fear I have lost the "school mode". Summer 2009, my first official summer off from school since Summer 2004, ridiculous right? I know. I love knowledge- I can't help it. As summer 2009 came to an end, my friends who came home for the summer slowly, one by one began to move away from Rockwall and from me. I soon realized all of my friends would be gone and I'd be left with no one. Luckily, I was fortunate enough to find two jobs, one of which I made several friends at, as i've mentioned before, El Cayote Rojo. Working two jobs, I tried to mask the pain of not returning for another year of school because I was still in "school mode", my body still woke up early and still got tired earlier than most 21 year olds should.
As the days wore on my body and mind adjusted to life without school. Now that I have been successfully out of school for 1 and 1/2 years my body doesn't recognize the "school mode" feeling anymore. I believe it will take a significant push for my body and mind to return to school. The only difference now is that I have to work 40 hours a week and attend school as opposed to when I was an undergraduate.

Because I am only taking two classes this semester, each being offered one night a week, I know that it will take a lot for me to focus through the week and to make sure I kept up with all assignments. Though I now believe I should have been preparing all summer for this transition, I have at least started today.

I woke up feeling unusual, as if there was something in the back of my mind, some to-do check list, some memo I forgot to check. Though I consciously figured it out, I unconsciously did when I checked my UTA student email. LUCKILY, because my literature, film and life science of the oceans class teacher had emailed all of her incoming students to notify them of the already posted syllabus and reading assignments. DUE THURSDAY?! WEEK 1?! I have 7 reading assignments due the first day of class!! I've never heard of such a preposterous thing! The first day of classes are supposed to be introductory discussions, and perhaps a reading assignment here or there due for the following class, but reading assignments due for discussion the first day of class! CRAZY! I thought frantically. I dove head first into the syllabus and copied down all 9 novels I will need for the one class and headed to the bookstore. After unsuccessfully visiting 3 books store, I found one that carried only 3 of the 9 needed books. Next option, Amazon.com. Already ordered the rest of my books, however If they do not get here before Friday of this week, I'm pretty much screwed. Why? because I must have the ENTIRE, I repeat ENTIRE book of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea read by next Thursday- week 2, along with all the other online articles posted by my teacher.

Whew! That's a hell of a lot of reading in one week. If any of you have ever read this book, or Moby Dick which is due week 3, you will know these books are not 100 nor 200 pages long. They are 600+ pages long and in very fine print.

At this point sitting here, I ask myself am I crazy, competitive, self-destructive, or do I really want this?

My vote for now is a little bit of all 4. I know I want this, I may be a little crazy for wanting it though, certainly competitive, and probably a little self-destructive because I will most likely lose all friends and all social skills over the next 2 or 3 years until graduation.

But I suppose for me, it's not about the job offers or the careers in my future, I think my motivation is that sanctimonious attitude inside me when I get to hang that silly little paper on my wall that says, "Meghan Self- Masters of English" I believe then all I will want is to be called Dr. Self after that moment.

As idealistic as that moment is to me, I must begin from the bottom rung of the education ladder, because at this point my Bachelors Degree only got me to the ladder, now I have to learn to climb it.

Kevorkian's Justice

I am not but 4 minutes into the new HBO series Kevorkian based on the life and trial of Jack Kevorkian. Most of us know Dr. Kevorkian as Doctor Death, he began the controversy in the 1980s and 1990s over whether the terminally ill have a right to end their lives with medical aid. I wasn't around for most of years that Dr. Kevorkian assisted these patients before being tried, however I do recall growing up hearing references made to Jack Kevorkian and associating him with "bad people and bad things". Over the years I have heard, read and learned the most minor of details about Dr. Death, and this is my first time to watch this HBO show. I do not know what I will learn, what I will find appalling, grotesque or even justifiable; but I will say this before I begin watching the show, from what little knowledge I do possess about Jack Kevorkian, I believe he was morally justifiable and I do support medical assisted suicide for the terminally ill. Though, I myself have never been terminally ill, nor have I recently or currently known someone who is terminally ill where ever day is a struggle for them just to take their next breath. I have however seen and spoken with those who have loved ones who are. I do understand at terminal illness is serious and that cannot be cured or cared for. Lets make sure we're all on the same page here with this definition first, according to online medical sources:

Terminal illness is a medical term popularized in the 20th century to describe an active and malignant disease that cannot be cured or adequately treated and that is reasonably expected to result in the death of the patient. This term is more commonly used for progressive diseases such as cancer or advanced heart disease than for trauma. In popular use, it indicates a disease which will end the life of the sufferer...Often, a patient is considered to be terminally ill when the life expectancy is estimated to be six months or less, under the assumption that the disease will run its normal course.

I understand that there can be an arguable debate here, however debating the miraculous is not always factual and not always easy. So please, save the debates and understand that most of the time people who are diagnosed as terminally ill will likely die within the allotted time given by the physician.

I will say that I believe it is a persons choice to die in circumstances such as the terminally ill. Patients who are terminally ill must rely on medications and other forms of pain relief to make it through that day, yet still have it lingering in the back of their minds that they may not even make it through the day. Given that most patients are bed ridden and must rely on a caregiver, at what point does a person say "OK, that's enough"?

I strongly believe that it is a persons choice to participate in medical assisted suicide.

As I am sitting here watching this show, I learned something. There was a complete genocide of the Armenian people. How come I have never heard about this before? The Great Crime as it was known to the Armenians happened in 1915, shortly after WW1, the Ottoman Empire destroyed the Armenian people. Was this too minuscule of a massacre to leave out of our history books in high school? It doesn't appear that way. So why? Why is only the Jewish Holocaust caused by the Nazi's so widely discussed when there have been other abominable genocides in history?

As this show continues, they have no discussed Dr. Kevorkian's first patient. Janet Adkins in June 1990. She was an Alzheimers patient and did not want to progress with her life into deterioration of her memory. Understandable. Why would anyone actually want to live their life losing their memory day to day? You wouldn't be you without your memory. Therefore, Mrs. Adkins opted for medical assisted suicide. Taking a step back, Jack Kevorkian created a machine he called "The Suicide Machine", it had three bottle filled with different substances, the final substance being potassium chloride. The objective of The Suicide Machine was to relax the patient, put the patient into a coma, and then the potassium chloride stopped the heart muscles from working- basically a heart attack, but comfortably. Sitting here thinking about lethal injection for criminals sentenced to the death penalty and also the euthanasia of pets, is this not the exact same thing?

Why is it okay for the government to give the OK to prisons to bring death to criminals, and peoples beloved pets yet it's not okay for medical doctors to do the same? For example, a friend of mine had a Labrador dog that was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 10 (human years). Over the years, we watched this poor dog deteriorate, he had a hard time walking up steps, he had a hard time eating his solid food, eventually having to change to canned dog food. He began having trouble urinating and passing bowel movements but when he was able to it was uncontrollable so if he were laying on the living room floor that's where it happened. This resulted in the poor dog to be caged up outside unable to escape the chain linked fence that surrounded him. One day his owner went outside to feed him and found him unable to move from his plastic dog house, the dog could not get up, could not eat the soft food, and had feces in its dog house from the previous night. Cancerous lumps grew so big throughout his entire body that it looked as if he had swallowed several softball and they skipped his stomach and went under his skin all over his body. This dog was in serious pain. The owner had been supplying the dog with pain medication since the diagnosis of Cancer but at this point it wasn't enough. The owner knew it was time. Time to put the dog down. The dog, of course had no say. It was the owners decision. So he took the dog to the vet to be euthanized that evening.

My point here is, the dog had no choice once the owner had made up his mind that it was the dogs time to go. Sure I am aware of the argument that a dog is not a human and can not make this decision on his own, but that is exactly my point. If the dog had the choice I can imagine it would have gone to the vet for medical assisted suicide along time before the owner took him. This is widely accepted in the United States.

Why, is my question.

Why is it okay and not looked down upon when someone takes their pet to be put down because it has cancer and is in such poor debilitating conditions, yet its not okay for a person who has cancer and is in such a poor debilitating state for them to call Dr. Kevorkian to be put down?

Those who oppose Dr. Kevorkian's method of assisted suicide, I believe should take a second look at all the options. I understand that if it were my close family member I would be angry that my family member chose to commit suicide because of their illness when there might be a gleam of hope of recovery, however, given the circumstances it is completely justifiable and understandable. I disagree with those who say Kevorkian was morally wrong to provide this assistance because in all respect there is no right or wrong morals, its personal. There is a standard of morals, of course, however the easiest and probably most over used but widely known moral example is that of abortion. Some believe abortion is moral and some believe it is amoral; but who's to say exactly? At this point it goes into matters of religion, but I wont go there.

Putting all religious aspects and beliefs aside, think about it, if it were you, and you were terminally ill and wanted the pain and suffering of yourself and your loved ones to cease, what would you do? It's a personal choice, only you can make that choice, and those who personally wouldn't want medical assisted suicide do not have to do it, but the option should be there for those who do.

Kevorkian, is a strong advocate for the Ninth Amendment to the US Constitution, "it provides that the naming of certain rights in the Constitution does not take away from the people rights that are not named" (legal-dictionary.com) however I believe this matter should lie in a subcategory to the 110th "Freedom of Choice" amendment.

Finally getting off the Rollercoaster

It's almost that time now.

This rollercoaster ride I've been on for a year and unable to get off, is finally allowing the safety bars to unlock and let me be free. For just about a year now, I have been stuck in this captivity of life, unable to move forward, unable to move backwards, or side to side. I've been able to glance around, remember, look forward to and plan, but it's all been out of arms reach until now. I move to Grand Prairie in less than a week to begin a new journey.

Over the course of this past year, I have made incredible friends, I've learned to love, learned that it's okay to be imperfect, learned to laugh more than I ever have, but most importantly, I've learned who I was. Not that I didn't have a inkling clue as to who I was, but I learned that I don't have to try to be something for someone else that I'm not, I don't have to fancy myself up to impress people. I've also realized again that it's not about what we do it's about who we are with. Relationships are the center point of life. Being independent is okay, it's perceived well, but at the end of the day when you're all alone it doesn't feel good.

The friends I have made while being back at home I never though I'd ever be friends with. The best part I believe is that we all have one thing in common Rockwall. We are all from here originally, all went to high school together, and we all knew each other in high school but weren't close friends. Well I suppose I should say, I wasn't friends with any of them. They welcomed me into their friendship circle with open arms, they didn't judge me on who I used to be but they loved me for who I am now- and I them.

I'll say this about Beverly. We've known each other since 7th grade, we played basketball together, we've had classes together. We went to high school together, all along we've known who each other were but we never really KNEW each other. I started working at El Cayote Rojo back in October- let me back up, I moved home in July. I knew some people who had stuck around Rockwall which I was in Denton, but they weren't people you move home to hang out with all the time. So I didn't. It was a very lonely time for me. So I started working at Rojo in October. I instantly recognized Beverly when I started working there, the first few days we worked together we didn't really talk much. We knew who each other were but we were both unsure of each other. Would she be just another co-worker I say hi to and only talk to when at work, or would she be the hated coworker that I avoided at work. Luckily, it turned out to be neither. I remember the day we first talked. Standing by the computer in the back of the restaurant by the bathrooms, she was putting in an order, I needed to put one in, so I stood there quietly, when finally I said "hey, so what have you been up to since high school?" And at that moment she and I just talked, not the awkward, hey! trying to be nice and polite but I'm going to walk away now kind of conversation, but genuine. I finally felt good for the first time since I had moved home. She was my first real friend after moving home, and to quite honest I think she's the first real girl friend I've had come out of Rockwall. I love my old girl friends from high school, the ones that i've known for years and years but they never treated me the way Bev does. They were passive. Beverly isn't.

Sorry for the mushy mush stuff but it's that journey I've been rambling about. Even though I've been stuck on this roller coaster ride of 'what next?' I've found some good people to ride with. After I graduated I didn't exactly know what I wanted to do, I wanted to work, I wanted to go back to school, I wanted to travel the world. I had so many options in the palm of my hand and at times even though I wish I had applied for grad school for fall 2009, or wish that I moved my crap home and just traveled Alexander Supertramp style, I'm glad things turned out the way they did. I do feel that I spent my time here with the unanswerable 'what's next' question hanging above my head, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

The Rockwall rollercoaster ride is finally coming to an end and even though I now hate to get off because I finally just started to enjoy it, it is time to move on and begin life as a real bill paying adult. Not that I don't thoroughly enjoy free rent and free food, it's just time.

I now understand God's plan as to why he didn't let me be accepted to CSU, KSU, or back to UNT. He sat there and watched me struggle, cry, and feel like a failure because I didn't get accepted to the schools, but all along he was smiling knowing that I would soon realize that the relationships I made over the course of this year will last me longer than any graduate program. So he sent me to UTA to be able to flourish these relationships I have made.

Writer's Block to Free Writing

I've spent the last months and a few days staring at the blank page of my blog, digging deep inside of me trying to pull out the slightest bit of something chewable to produce. Couldn't do it. Couldn't find anything worth posting. So since I'm stuck with writer's block I'm going to let go of my conscious mind and let my subconscious and fingers do the talking here. I can't make an promises this will be understandable or legible, but I'll do my best.

Some would say I lead a semi-interesting life, more of a dual personality I'd say. Going from the professional mature college graduate in the office putting her degree to use, then going to the casual "I moved back in with my parents" waitress at a local restaurant.

I don't know how I do it, but some how I manage. It's like I'm living two completely different lives here. By day I'm an adult, by night I'm still a kid. Maybe it's just because I can't let go of my youth just yet. I thought I was so ready for adulthood, jobs, bills, "on my own" life, but then I realized I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Being an adult can be great sometimes, but after I finish at the office, I just want to kick off my uncomfortable shoes and play on the playground.

Youth is something you can only do once, I'll never be as young as I was yesterday, I'll never have the NATURAL wrinkle-free skin again, I'll never be this flexible, or mobile, or energetic, or free, if you will. Many people see this as an out, their out to immaturity, but that's not what it's about. It's about being mature, making mature decisions, but still being vivacious. Youth to me is the time when I can do anything I want to do, physically, mentally and emotionally. I wouldn't go as far as to say when I was 17 years old I was ready or mature enough to handle a real relationship full of love, or jumping out of an airplane, or even driving cross country for a camping trip. I can't say I wouldn't or didn't do such things at that age, but I did them with a sense of immaturity. Meaning, something always went wrong, or someone got hurt due to lack of maturity.

I realize these statements are arguable, however I am only speaking from personal experience and talking solely of myself, not of others, however this may and probably does relate to many.

I wouldn't say I'm wise beyond my years at age 21, but I'd still say I've learned a lesson or two throughout my life thus far and with those lessons comes responsibility and even more: maturity. Though I will still drive cross country for a camping trip, jump out of airplanes, or even fall in love once or twice, I do it with a sense of realism and knowledge. This time, I'll make sure I have enough money for gas to get us home, I'll make sure to have a back up plan if my parachute doesn't open properly, and for the best part of becoming mature, love. This time I'll be considerate of my partners feelings, I will suffice to giving and not just taking, I will be a partner not a dictator (and this list could go on, but I'll stop there).

My point is, even though you live a professional life, it doesn't mean you have to give up your youth. Ever. After the day is done and the bills are paid, forget about the house work, forget about your kids soccer practice, take a day or two and just be young again. Go camping, go bungee jumping, go get your toenails painted a funky glow in the dark color, play dress up and put on bright read lipstick and hot pink eyeshadow. Do whatever it takes to remind you that you're not dead yet so enjoy your youthfulness. Besides is there really a set definition for the word 'youth' anyway? at what exact point does youth become adult? There isn't a real set definition, and there isn't a specific turning point, so after the day is done go back to your youthfulness and enjoy it.


Note: When I began writing this post this is not where I thought it was going to go, but I just let my mind speak freely and my fingers guide me, and this is what came out. I hope you enjoy it.