Devesating Writer's Block-- attempting a cure

Well, it's coming down to the final few weeks of the semester which of course always means long seminar papers are in the making. Sometimes I'm lucky and I'll have an excellent start to the paper. Other times, not so much. This is one of those times. I figured out my paper topic about 8 weeks ago for my Lacan's seminar paper. That was easy, I just had to pick a movie and Being John Malkovich seemed pretty easy to psychoanalyze. So that was done.

Then I had to figure out a paper for my Sodomy class. ugh. I've been planning all semester to work on the idea of perversion but through all of my research throughout the semester, it never really amounted to anything decent. So scratch that idea. I decided that since I'm going to be working with the Gothic for my thesis and I'll need to know American Gothic, I figured well who better to start with than Edgar Allan Poe. So one night I sat down to read a couple of his short stories with queerness on my mind and found The Tell-Tale Heart. Talk about some serious sexual innuendos. So that's what I decided to go with. I'm doing a queer reading of Poe's concealed rhetoric within The Tell-Tale Heart, or at least attempting to or something like that.

This is my first semester that I've had to write two seminar papers concurrently. Let me tell you, had I been faced with this earlier in my graduate career, I don't think I'd still be in school right now. This shit is tough. T-O-U-G-H. tough. Anyway, I've been steadily working on these two paper for the past three weeks. Seriously every waking moment I'm either researching, writing, or thinking about Lacan or Poe. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally, and any other sensory perception available that can be exhausted, I'm it.

Luckily though, over the course of the past three weeks I've managed to create outlines, gather research material, and write what I know before doing any serious research. I've surmounted 9 pages of Lacan and 6 pages of Poe based primarily off what previous knowledge I had in my head. Pretty good I'd say.

That was until the research began, I HATE doing research. I like to just know things. And yes I know that the only way I'll know something is through research, but that doesn't make me hate doing research any less. I feel like it's a waste of time to sort through online journals, books and 'zines, and even a bigger waste of time to sort through hard copy books that don't come with a handy "CNTRL F" button. So inevitably, I've contracted a serious case of writer's block. If you are an avid reader of my blog here you know that I've faced writer's block before, several times and I always say it's worse than it's ever been. Well, I was lying. THIS is the worst it has ever been. Seriously. And of course I'm sure the next case of writer's block I experience will be worse than right now. I do NOT look forward to that one. :/

As the writer's block has subsumed for the past two days I've been Googling "how to cure writer's block" self-help article. Every single suggestion is bullshit. I've tried it all, nothing helps. Then I decided to write something for myself, that no one else will ever see. It was just a short simply poem about nothing. But it was mine, it was creative, it was inventive, it was mine. And that's when it hit me. I need to write to cure writer's block. Sounds like I should be on a Starburst commerical. Writing to cure writer's block is a juicy contradiction. Yep. exactly. But as a writer, I must continue to write, always. Regardless of what I write I need to write, I want to write, I enjoy it, it is me, I am it. This reason of course is why I am writing this post right now as opposed to writing one of my papers. I came to the conclusion of a paragraph on my Lacan paper and my mind went blank. 'Now what?' I asked myself, sitting there staring at the blinking cursor one tab space over. What's left to say? I cant really look at my outline for direction because like always, I've deviated so far from the original outline that it doesn't even matter or really exist anymore. I'm writing from memory and creativity. But still, 'now what do I say?'

So like I said, that's why I'm here. Writing this right now, in the midst of a Lacan paper agonizing me from behind this little Mozilla window. The moment I close my Internet browser I know I'll find the blinking cursor staring out at me. Taunting and mocking me for my writer's block. I hope that the moment I close this browser, I look over to Ecrits by Lacan and notice a single word. Whatever word it may be, this magically little word strike a chord in my memory and off my little fingers go typing away into their destiny of acute carpel tunnel syndrome. Oh little magical word, please present yourself to me the moment I close this browser. In an attempt to cure my writer's block by writing, here's hoping for a magic word to appear to get me thinking again to write more.

Day 3 Paleo ANGGGEERRR

Okay so going back and rereading my previous day 3 post and I'm feeling just about the same right now as I was the last time, well minus the sick feeling. But sugar cravings, check. Bread cravings, double check. According to Robb's meal plan I was supposed to have chicken, salsa and 1/2 avocado for breakfast this morning. But I don't have salsa.

I considered going to Wal-mart for some salsa, but then as always my though pattern went as followed:
salsa, chips, queso, chips, meat, El Cayote Rojo salsa, tortillas, butter, warm chips, butter, tortillas covered in butter dipped in salsa, tacos, soft tacos, chicken tacos, grease, grease looks likes the caramel sauce on flan, oh! flan, jello, pudding, strawberry cheesecake, chocolate cake, chocolate covered almonds, almonds, paleo, fuck. Then I was depressed.

I want so bad to follow Robb's plan, but seriously. Every time I go paleo, 1. it's not that it's hard it's more annoying. 2. it reminds me never to get hooked on any type of drug because if I'm having serious issues by just giving up bread and ice cream, Lord only knows how bad giving up a drug would be. I suppose I better understand why the suicide rates are so high for drug addicts in treatment. I also see why so many drug addicts relapse.

Moreover, on a more light-hearted note, I want to punch something.

Paleo makes me angrrry.

Seriously. angrrry.

Like, I need to go to CrossFit just to scream and curse really loud in public without anyone thinking something is mentally wrong with me. I need to go move something heavy, I need to re-energize my body with something good, like a tire or a fire hose.

Hey Jamie, if you're reading this let's flip some tires or slam some hoses or hell even put some balls to the wall tomorrow please. Something that takes my whole body, my whole mind, essence, anger, entire being to complete. Please. Even a 10 min AMRAP of burpees and squats would be great!

The best thing I can say that is going for me right now is the variety of food I've eaten. This time it's not all chicken, eggs, bacon, and veggies.

Day 1 of course consisted of the 2 things I hate most: Fish and Green Beans. I ate half of my plate and called it quits before I threw up. Yesterday I ate burgers on a bed of lettuce and some steamed broccoli and chicken. I'm supposed to have tuna and cabbage salad for lunch today, mehhhhhh.... I may pass on that one. I'm still recovering from Monday's fish dinner. We'll see though. I intend to stick to Robb's meals as best as possible although, he has hailbut, shrimp and tilapia on the list. NO EFFFING WAY DUDE.

I will sub those for chicken.

I just really hope this ANNNNGEERRR goes away soon, I've got a lot of shit to do and anger shouldn't be apart of it otherwise it's just going to stress me out even more. Which will lead to more CFing, and getting less things marked off my to-do list which will result in more stress and anger. So let's just hope the anger dissipates that way no one gets hurt.

Paleo Day 1... again.

So I never finished Robb Wolf's book The Paleo Solution. I do intend to, eventually. However, I skimmed through the rest of it and found Robb's 30 day meal plan with recipes. So, I figured since the last time I went paleo I only lasted 10 days, primarily because I was bored. I was bored, tired, grouchy, angrrrry, and hungry. I mean seriously, I love chicken and I love some baby cow but if that's all you eat every day, every. damn. day. breakfast. lunch. dinner. It get's a little boring no matter what you shape you form the animal into, it still is the same animal product. So I gave up. That was part of the reason, the other part was because I dropped so much weight so fast. Ew.

I think I'm one of the very few women in the world that would ever think or say dropping weight at any speed is a bad thing. :) I pride myself on it. :)

Anyway, I found Robb's meal plan, glancing through it I notice there are some things I refuse to eat. Halibut/Tilapia/ Scallops... no thanks. I refuse to eat anything that comes from the water, particularly salt water. Well, I suppose there is an exception to that comment. I'll eat canned tuna and I'll put salmon in my mouth. Canned tuna smells like cat food. I grew up eating canned tuna because it has no remote resemblance to the fish. and it smells like cat food. Not that I'm one to eat cat food, anymore (I had two older sisters that went through a very cruel stage of picking on me when we were younger).

I'll eat salmon because one night I was at a friends family's house for dinner, and all they cooked was salmon and shrimp. Because I did not want to be rude, nor did I know them at all, I ate two shrimp and actually two slices of salmon. The mom had cooked the salmon so well it really had no fishy taste at all. It tasted quite literally like "Chicken of the Sea". Yes I know that's tuna but bear with me. So from then on I decided to always give salmon another try. I've eaten it a few times since then although it has never been as good. In fact I actually baked salmon a few weeks ago. Of course it tasted like dirty ass from the sea.

So of course, what is Robb's first day of the 30 day meal plan...

Grilled Salmon and Roasted Green Beans for dinner. .. .. wtf. ew.

I HATE green beans. I hate them more than I hate fish!

But I believe Robb planned this meal plan strategically based on the 30 days and the ease of the food. So I will be eating salmon and attempting to eat green beans tonight for dinner. If I can't do it, then I just wont be eating I suppose. Marksdailyapple.com condones IF (intermittent fasting) for a 16-hour time slot, so I suppose I can do it too and I wont die. Currently I don't agree with IF, however, if I can't eat these green beans and salmon tonight, I'm going to agree with it. :)

I really hope this paleo challenge goes significantly better than the last one. I'm shooting for at least 11 straight solid days of 100% paleo since I only made it 10 days last time.

Wish me luck.

No Booze/Writing Binary This Time

As you can see it's been nearly five months since I've posted last. Well shit. I'm sorry. Sometimes it becomes so hard to find the time to sit down and write anymore. I mean write for myself, not write period. I write all the time, in fact that's pretty much all I have been doing these past five months, writing and reading.

I've also decided to add a little challenge to things this semester, being that it is my final semester of course work I thought it might be interesting to see what it's like to do this whole grad school thing completely sober.

Not that I'm a raging alcoholic or anything, it's not like I even drink or ever drank socially much, but what I realized over the course of the past four semesters I've been in grad school is that the only time I tend to consume alcohol is when two things are happening:
1. I am alone and
2. I am writing papers

So, as we were all told and taught not to drink and drive throughout our lives as adult drivers I have decided to no longer drink and write.

Of course, I never had an issue with drinking and driving, that came pretty clear to me when deadly accidents occurred involving people I knew. But I always thought drinking and writing was a safe bet for me.

I'm not talking about consuming copious amounts of booze here people, I'm talking about have a beer or two, or maybe a glass of white wine. Just that one drink definitely helps take the edge and stress off and helps clear my mind a bit. Obviously, for those of you who have been around me when I consume alcohol I tend to run my mouth... a lot.. oops! :)

So I used to think it was the perfect combination. I could think more clear and write more. Now I didn't realize the effects of the booze/writing binary until I began receiving my papers back with less than A grades on them and ultimately receiving less than A final grades in my course works. So I took it upon myself to start a little challenge as I've already stated.

So far I've written several reading responses completely sober. None of which I believe are my best response work but then again I don't understand much of the material we are reading anyway and that's essentially the point of the response- to write about what we don't really understand.. So I'll take that as an easy slip through the cracks. It doesn't count.

Other than my reading responses I just finished one 7 page exploratory paper over the film Being John Malkovich and Lacanian Psychoanalysis. Although it wasn't much of a 'real' paper, definitely nothing one is suppose to submit to a journal or conference, but none the less I managed to rewrite the paper 3 times in 2 days and still pull 7 pages- when I only needed 5. So I'll take it. Meghan: 1, booze/writing: 0

I'm currently working on a book review that's due in 4 days, and I am embodying the essence of writer's block right now. Hence, why I'm writing here instead of in a Word Doc about my book.

I'm seriously considering pouring a glass of wine to help get things flowing, but I'm not sure if I should. I spent last summer with the same professor booze/writing for his class and pulled a B. I don't want a B this time but I can't seem to find a cure for my writer's block and no, Byron Gysin and William Burroughs' Cut-Up Method isn't going to work this time.

So I supposed the best thing I can do for myself at this moment is stare at my computer screen, stare at my book on the table and pray for some magical little elf to pop out between the sofa cushions and start writing my book review. Perhaps if I drink the entire bottle of wine that elf may appear. Hmm...

I hope that it is not another 5 months before I write again. Surely it wont be, but who knows.

But hey! I presented at a conference in the bullshit "Sunny San Diego" on the 16th of this month. That was interesting, considering it was my first time in SD and it was cold, raining and full of drunk college kids... 2 out of the 3 I was NOT expecting, so that was unfortunate. But the conference is over, and well, there really isn't much to say about it now. I was terrified going in and when I finished my jouissance ceased and I was back to the "Ok, now what" moment. A bit depressing if you ask me. Have to start all over again, find a new objet petit a for my jouissance, obtain it, and then start back at square one again. It's a never ending cycle of obsession and desire. ew. Thanks Lacan for pointing that out to me, jerk.

And, now that I'm thinking of Lacan again it's time to crack open the bottle of wine, stare at the computer screen and promise myself not to type a damn word until my body has processed all of the wine out of my system... God I hope that's possible.

On the plus side: I made chocolate chip cupcakes today. Likely will destroy the remaining 10 before I go to bed tonight. Dear God I hope not, but Lord are they heavenly!

I Deserve Cake For That

I want crackers, and cake.
(Yes, there is supposed to be a comma after "crackers". It's a dramatic pause. kthx)

yep.

That's about all I really can say these day.

But I'm 6 pounds down in 8 days... yeah.. no kidding. It's not that I'm not eating, because if you've been keeping up with my posts, you'll know all I do is eat. I've been counting calories as well to make sure that I am getting enough calories everyday. It doesn't matter if I'm eating every two hours if I'm barely reaching 1000kcal per day. That can't be good. So I've been watching it to make sure all my levels stay good. Protein stays up near or above 100g, sugars stay as low as possible, carbs are around 20 to 25g, and most importantly all my vitamins and minerals aren't being affected by going paleo. I'm struggling with my iron level though. I think if I'm going to keep going like this, I'll need to get a multivitamin.

Anyway, I woke up feeling very, very lethargic. My body was tired, my muscles seemed weak, I just didn't want to do anything but lay in bed all day.

Of course that's not an option around here, so I got up did my normal Thursday activities including CrossFit.

I didn't think today was going to be the day. But apparently, my body and mind decided it was.



I did that. Right there. That's 200 pounds.






Do you know what else weighs 200 pounds?


For the record, that's an octopus cake. WANT.












Damn right. I could deadlift that.

No seriously, though, I could NOT have done it without the support of my fellow Honey Badgers, and my coach Jamie. My Hero.

Successful Week One

It's been a whole entire week, that's 7 days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. (I won't go to seconds, that's a bit excessive) that I've been successfully bread-free. Holy shit I didn't think I'd make it this far.

Honestly, I thought abstaining from grains would be the death of me, literally the end. I didn't think it was possible. But once again I've amazed myself.

I've also watched my abs magically appear in the mirror. Amazed myself again.

Huh, who woulda thought I had a 6 pack of abs under the 6 pack of jelly rolls?!

It's only been 7 days and I've seen drastic changes. I'm curious to see what day 14 will look like and day 21 as well. That will be pretty neat to see.

I still crave buckets of ice cream drizzled with snickers and twizzlers but it's starting to fade. Hell who am I kidding?! No it's not! I'm just becoming more aware of why I shouldn't eat it which helps keep me in check with this paleo challenge.

I could really go for a subway sandwich though.

My moods seem to be starting to level out a little. Of course every time I see my coach Jamie I want to punch her and say "damn it Jamie! Why?!" Why didn't I listen to her a year ago when she told me to go Paleo, why didn't I adapt as easy when I did try last time? Why am I grouchy ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME?! and then say, thank you.

Thank you Jamie for kicking my ass all these days, for making me do shit I REALLY REALLY hate, like running. (in. the. cold.) For tending to my arrogance by saying things like "damn Meghan, look at your back muscles". Thank you for pushing me when I really wanted to give up. Thank you for telling me to go heavier when I didn't think I could do it. Thank you for the words of encouragement throughout the year, thank you for teaching me to appreciate my body and my strength. For making me realize that tiny women are not okay but that women should be fit, strong, and above all else healthy. But MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! THANK YOU FOR MY BIG BUTT!! or maybe I should say, new. It's not really, um 'big', it's just no longer concave. :)



Excuse my little rant about my coach. she's pretty much awesome.

Anyway, it's been a successful run so far. I just hope I can hold out through the next 14 days. I don't think they'll be any easier. Plus I have a wedding to go to next weekend.. ugh... cake. I'll have to pass on the cake! :/ But that's okay because I'm pretty sure I don't have the self control to limit myself to only one small slice if I did have any cake. I'd probably go into sugar shock-rage, like 'roid rage and literally destroy the cake. :)

It's Not Hard, It's Just Annoying

After 5 days of Paleo, I think the title to my post is pretty accurate. I didn't think it'd be as easy as it is to not eat bread. I'm not say it is easy, but I used to say and think I'd literally die without bread. Well here I am, still standing Day 5. It feels pretty good honestly.

Here's a list of a few things I've noticed that I believe are due to going Paleo:

1. When I wake up in the morning, I don't really struggle to get out of bed because I'm so tired (this is concluding I've had my typical 7-8 hours of sleep)

2. When I go to bed, I pass out pretty quick. For someone who struggled with severe insomnia for 5 straight miserable years and still have repeat episodes of sleepless weeks, I never take for granted the ability to fall asleep instantly.

3. I don't stay asleep throughout the night. I'm used to this so it's not that big of a deal but pre-paleo I was sleeping pretty well through the night. I don't know if going Paleo is the cause, or it is my 'end of the semester stress levels'.

4.I stink. This is probably the worst effect of going Paleo. some of you may be thinking, "ew! gross, she's a girl, girl's don't stink!" Well, sorry, but we do. I have no scientific research to back up this claim I'm about to make, but it seems logical enough to be correct: The reason I stink is because my body is going through a detox process of ridding itself of all the nastiness I put inside my body for the past 23 years. It's breaking into 10 year old fat pockets that's home to significant amounts sugar and fat elements from my 13th birthday party strawberry and chocolate cake. So when I sweat, I'm sweating out that crap instead of just the recent crap I put in my body like normal. And can you imagine what 10 year old strawberry and chocolate cake smells like? ew. Or I'm sweating out all the meat and vegetables I've been eating and well both of those after being digested, probably don't smell too good either. So to combat the stink, I take precautionary steps to ensure I smell like vanilla cupcakes to everyone around me, all the time. :) (Bath & Body Works - Lemon Vanilla Body Kit)

5. I stay full longer. Now this one only came into realization today. I packed a HUGE lunch last night knowing I'd have to go through all 3 meals on the go since it was a 16 hour day for me to go from work to school. Normally I'm famished by 5pm and must eat before class. Not this time. I ate an almond fruit bar around 3pm and stayed full until about 7pm. That's pretty good for me. Of course having not eaten for 4 hours and listening to a discussion about service-learning, I was falling asleep. But it was cool to not rush home because my stomach was in knots and eating itself. Of course I still ate ridiculous amounts of food, all paleo no worries, but I didn't go into feeding frenzy like normal.

6. I'm getting serious muscle cramps. A lot. Painful. Very Painful. I can't blame it on dehydration because I always drink AT LEAST 64oz of water/day, and I haven't been to the gym since Thursday or done anything exercise-worthy to need more water. I try to drink a gallon of water a day, it's a fun challenge, and I feel like it keeps my kidneys in good shape, especially to counterbalance all the coffee I drink.


For now, that's all I can come up with. I'm sure I'll add more as this progresses. But it certainly seems like it's dragging on... ugh. it's only been 5 days?!! When I did the 21-day no purchasing food challenge it flew by! It went from day 3 to day 21 in no time!

For my closing remarks, I'd like to say I really really really hope that when this is over my body cannot stomach bread and cheese as well as it used to. I don't stomach moo milk very well, never really have, but it's been progressively worse over the year since switching to Almond Milk. I hope the second I eat a big fat cheesy nacho my body wants to purge it, one end or another but it wants it out. If that happens it'll certainly help keep me on the right paleo track. Otherwise once this is over and my body takes bread and cheese like it used to, I'll probably go back to the way things were. Eating slices of cold bread with butter straight from the fridge while watching tv, or eating a bag full of Ritz crackers while slaving away over homework.

I don't want that though. So maybe just the idea of not wanting to do those things when this is over, will help me limit or even full refrain from it.

Maybe.