Devesating Writer's Block-- attempting a cure

Well, it's coming down to the final few weeks of the semester which of course always means long seminar papers are in the making. Sometimes I'm lucky and I'll have an excellent start to the paper. Other times, not so much. This is one of those times. I figured out my paper topic about 8 weeks ago for my Lacan's seminar paper. That was easy, I just had to pick a movie and Being John Malkovich seemed pretty easy to psychoanalyze. So that was done.

Then I had to figure out a paper for my Sodomy class. ugh. I've been planning all semester to work on the idea of perversion but through all of my research throughout the semester, it never really amounted to anything decent. So scratch that idea. I decided that since I'm going to be working with the Gothic for my thesis and I'll need to know American Gothic, I figured well who better to start with than Edgar Allan Poe. So one night I sat down to read a couple of his short stories with queerness on my mind and found The Tell-Tale Heart. Talk about some serious sexual innuendos. So that's what I decided to go with. I'm doing a queer reading of Poe's concealed rhetoric within The Tell-Tale Heart, or at least attempting to or something like that.

This is my first semester that I've had to write two seminar papers concurrently. Let me tell you, had I been faced with this earlier in my graduate career, I don't think I'd still be in school right now. This shit is tough. T-O-U-G-H. tough. Anyway, I've been steadily working on these two paper for the past three weeks. Seriously every waking moment I'm either researching, writing, or thinking about Lacan or Poe. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally, and any other sensory perception available that can be exhausted, I'm it.

Luckily though, over the course of the past three weeks I've managed to create outlines, gather research material, and write what I know before doing any serious research. I've surmounted 9 pages of Lacan and 6 pages of Poe based primarily off what previous knowledge I had in my head. Pretty good I'd say.

That was until the research began, I HATE doing research. I like to just know things. And yes I know that the only way I'll know something is through research, but that doesn't make me hate doing research any less. I feel like it's a waste of time to sort through online journals, books and 'zines, and even a bigger waste of time to sort through hard copy books that don't come with a handy "CNTRL F" button. So inevitably, I've contracted a serious case of writer's block. If you are an avid reader of my blog here you know that I've faced writer's block before, several times and I always say it's worse than it's ever been. Well, I was lying. THIS is the worst it has ever been. Seriously. And of course I'm sure the next case of writer's block I experience will be worse than right now. I do NOT look forward to that one. :/

As the writer's block has subsumed for the past two days I've been Googling "how to cure writer's block" self-help article. Every single suggestion is bullshit. I've tried it all, nothing helps. Then I decided to write something for myself, that no one else will ever see. It was just a short simply poem about nothing. But it was mine, it was creative, it was inventive, it was mine. And that's when it hit me. I need to write to cure writer's block. Sounds like I should be on a Starburst commerical. Writing to cure writer's block is a juicy contradiction. Yep. exactly. But as a writer, I must continue to write, always. Regardless of what I write I need to write, I want to write, I enjoy it, it is me, I am it. This reason of course is why I am writing this post right now as opposed to writing one of my papers. I came to the conclusion of a paragraph on my Lacan paper and my mind went blank. 'Now what?' I asked myself, sitting there staring at the blinking cursor one tab space over. What's left to say? I cant really look at my outline for direction because like always, I've deviated so far from the original outline that it doesn't even matter or really exist anymore. I'm writing from memory and creativity. But still, 'now what do I say?'

So like I said, that's why I'm here. Writing this right now, in the midst of a Lacan paper agonizing me from behind this little Mozilla window. The moment I close my Internet browser I know I'll find the blinking cursor staring out at me. Taunting and mocking me for my writer's block. I hope that the moment I close this browser, I look over to Ecrits by Lacan and notice a single word. Whatever word it may be, this magically little word strike a chord in my memory and off my little fingers go typing away into their destiny of acute carpel tunnel syndrome. Oh little magical word, please present yourself to me the moment I close this browser. In an attempt to cure my writer's block by writing, here's hoping for a magic word to appear to get me thinking again to write more.

Day 3 Paleo ANGGGEERRR

Okay so going back and rereading my previous day 3 post and I'm feeling just about the same right now as I was the last time, well minus the sick feeling. But sugar cravings, check. Bread cravings, double check. According to Robb's meal plan I was supposed to have chicken, salsa and 1/2 avocado for breakfast this morning. But I don't have salsa.

I considered going to Wal-mart for some salsa, but then as always my though pattern went as followed:
salsa, chips, queso, chips, meat, El Cayote Rojo salsa, tortillas, butter, warm chips, butter, tortillas covered in butter dipped in salsa, tacos, soft tacos, chicken tacos, grease, grease looks likes the caramel sauce on flan, oh! flan, jello, pudding, strawberry cheesecake, chocolate cake, chocolate covered almonds, almonds, paleo, fuck. Then I was depressed.

I want so bad to follow Robb's plan, but seriously. Every time I go paleo, 1. it's not that it's hard it's more annoying. 2. it reminds me never to get hooked on any type of drug because if I'm having serious issues by just giving up bread and ice cream, Lord only knows how bad giving up a drug would be. I suppose I better understand why the suicide rates are so high for drug addicts in treatment. I also see why so many drug addicts relapse.

Moreover, on a more light-hearted note, I want to punch something.

Paleo makes me angrrry.

Seriously. angrrry.

Like, I need to go to CrossFit just to scream and curse really loud in public without anyone thinking something is mentally wrong with me. I need to go move something heavy, I need to re-energize my body with something good, like a tire or a fire hose.

Hey Jamie, if you're reading this let's flip some tires or slam some hoses or hell even put some balls to the wall tomorrow please. Something that takes my whole body, my whole mind, essence, anger, entire being to complete. Please. Even a 10 min AMRAP of burpees and squats would be great!

The best thing I can say that is going for me right now is the variety of food I've eaten. This time it's not all chicken, eggs, bacon, and veggies.

Day 1 of course consisted of the 2 things I hate most: Fish and Green Beans. I ate half of my plate and called it quits before I threw up. Yesterday I ate burgers on a bed of lettuce and some steamed broccoli and chicken. I'm supposed to have tuna and cabbage salad for lunch today, mehhhhhh.... I may pass on that one. I'm still recovering from Monday's fish dinner. We'll see though. I intend to stick to Robb's meals as best as possible although, he has hailbut, shrimp and tilapia on the list. NO EFFFING WAY DUDE.

I will sub those for chicken.

I just really hope this ANNNNGEERRR goes away soon, I've got a lot of shit to do and anger shouldn't be apart of it otherwise it's just going to stress me out even more. Which will lead to more CFing, and getting less things marked off my to-do list which will result in more stress and anger. So let's just hope the anger dissipates that way no one gets hurt.

Paleo Day 1... again.

So I never finished Robb Wolf's book The Paleo Solution. I do intend to, eventually. However, I skimmed through the rest of it and found Robb's 30 day meal plan with recipes. So, I figured since the last time I went paleo I only lasted 10 days, primarily because I was bored. I was bored, tired, grouchy, angrrrry, and hungry. I mean seriously, I love chicken and I love some baby cow but if that's all you eat every day, every. damn. day. breakfast. lunch. dinner. It get's a little boring no matter what you shape you form the animal into, it still is the same animal product. So I gave up. That was part of the reason, the other part was because I dropped so much weight so fast. Ew.

I think I'm one of the very few women in the world that would ever think or say dropping weight at any speed is a bad thing. :) I pride myself on it. :)

Anyway, I found Robb's meal plan, glancing through it I notice there are some things I refuse to eat. Halibut/Tilapia/ Scallops... no thanks. I refuse to eat anything that comes from the water, particularly salt water. Well, I suppose there is an exception to that comment. I'll eat canned tuna and I'll put salmon in my mouth. Canned tuna smells like cat food. I grew up eating canned tuna because it has no remote resemblance to the fish. and it smells like cat food. Not that I'm one to eat cat food, anymore (I had two older sisters that went through a very cruel stage of picking on me when we were younger).

I'll eat salmon because one night I was at a friends family's house for dinner, and all they cooked was salmon and shrimp. Because I did not want to be rude, nor did I know them at all, I ate two shrimp and actually two slices of salmon. The mom had cooked the salmon so well it really had no fishy taste at all. It tasted quite literally like "Chicken of the Sea". Yes I know that's tuna but bear with me. So from then on I decided to always give salmon another try. I've eaten it a few times since then although it has never been as good. In fact I actually baked salmon a few weeks ago. Of course it tasted like dirty ass from the sea.

So of course, what is Robb's first day of the 30 day meal plan...

Grilled Salmon and Roasted Green Beans for dinner. .. .. wtf. ew.

I HATE green beans. I hate them more than I hate fish!

But I believe Robb planned this meal plan strategically based on the 30 days and the ease of the food. So I will be eating salmon and attempting to eat green beans tonight for dinner. If I can't do it, then I just wont be eating I suppose. Marksdailyapple.com condones IF (intermittent fasting) for a 16-hour time slot, so I suppose I can do it too and I wont die. Currently I don't agree with IF, however, if I can't eat these green beans and salmon tonight, I'm going to agree with it. :)

I really hope this paleo challenge goes significantly better than the last one. I'm shooting for at least 11 straight solid days of 100% paleo since I only made it 10 days last time.

Wish me luck.