It still hurts.
It was 11:30pm when I heard the news.
It still hurts.
I had tried twice before, but it never worked out.
My professor was too busy.
I wasn't good enough.
My professor couldn't find the the time.
I need to write more.
I wasn't good enough.
I had scheduled my Master's thesis defense for the third time for November 22, 2013.
On November 21, 2013 at 11:30 pm, I received the following email:
"I'm afraid I have bad news. The response from you committee is that the thesis is not passable. This became very clear only late today, which is why I am writing you now.
I think it would be a mistake to go ahead with your defense tomorrow when we already know the outcome. For this reason, I am canceling the defense.
I will talk to --------, and see what our options are, and then you and I can talk about what to do going forward.
Sincerely,
---------------
English Professor
UT Arlington"
I cried.
For weeks.
A committee member decided, without telling me, s/he no longer wanted to be a part of my committee.
S/He quit. S/He left me with out a full committee.
And s/he never told me why.
S/He told Dr. -------, that s/he did not have the time to deal with students work who are not even at the most basic graduate level.
I was hurt.
I didn't think I was going to make it out––alive.
I was crushed.
My hopes, my dreams, the only life goal I've ever had––to be called Dr. Self after my grandfather––suffocated, obliterated, ruined, turned into a smoldering pile of crap in an instant by three people.
But, I didn't quit.
I wanted to quit.
I couldn't let myself quit.
I persevered.
On May 1, 2014 I submitted the 180 page document to my committee, scared, fearful, feeling like a failure, but hopeful.
On May 9, 2014 I passed my Master's thesis defense, unconditionally.
On May 14, 2014 I graduated with a Master's degree in English Literature.
On June 2, 2014 I asked two of my committee professors to write me letters of recommendation for Texas Tech's PhD program. This is what I received:
From Dr. ----------:
"Agreeing to write a letter of recommendation implicitly means agreeing to write a really strong letter, and I can't promise to give you my highest recommendation for doctoral study. I'm really sorry to be so blunt. You were a valuable student in class and have a fantastic work ethic, but the quality of written work just doesn't hit the mark at which I can give an unreserved and enthusiastic endorsement. I don't want to undercut your chances with a tepid letter. Perhaps there are others who would be better?"
From Dr. ----------:
"I think it's great that you have such a passion for intellectual work. But you really struggled at times through the MA. Successfully completing a PhD will be much more challenging. Based on your work here, and the feedback from your professors, I think you should give more thought to this decision. I'm sorry, but I do not believe that you are doctoral material. You seem to enjoy teaching High School, perhaps that is a better fit for you."
I was crushed.
I cried.
It still hurts.
On February 10, 2015 I received the following letter from Dr. ------:
"I am delighted to offer you admissions to the Ph.D. program in English at Texas Tech University. This offer of admission includes the offer on an assistantship to support you financially during your studies and a partial fee waiver, contingent upon your acceptance and approval by the Graduate School. We hope that you will join the outstanding class of graduate students that will begin study with us in Fall 2015. Congratulations and welcome to the Graduate Program in the Department of English at Texas Tech!"
To whomever was on the Texas Tech PhD admissions committee:
Thank you.
From the deepest, most sincere place in my heart, Thank You.
When I look back at where I came from, it still hurts.
When I think about the professors who did not have faith in me, it still hurts.
When I remember the struggle, the pain, the anguish, and the severe depression, it still hurts.
But when I think about where I am right now at TTU, it hurts a little less each day.
Thank You Texas Tech English faculty for believing in me, for giving me a chance, for seeing something in me that others did not, Thank You.
You were always good enough. It was they who were undeserving of your time and dedication.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to call you Dr. Self. 😊
Heather
Thank you Heather. My only good memories from UT Arlington was meeting great people like you. I very much enjoyed our classes together. It's people like you, who helped get me through the very difficult time.
ReplyDeleteInspirational!!!
ReplyDeleteI think what is missing now-a-days are more people who put faith in others. When you start to believe in others the same way you believe in yourself, magic happens.
I am very glad you did not quit and kept on persevering. All of your hard work and dedication will HAS ALREADY paid-off and WILL pay-off in the end. Once you receive that degree, a big f*** y** will be in order!
Keep exploring and investigating and researching what matters most. Keep working hard, and be open to all perspectives. Hey, here's something that may interest you about high school/post-secondary: https://www.insidehighered.com/blogs/just-visiting/high-schoolcollege-writing-classroom-disconnect#.Vl4sL5RZH1x.twitter
ReplyDelete