Finally getting off the Rollercoaster

It's almost that time now.

This rollercoaster ride I've been on for a year and unable to get off, is finally allowing the safety bars to unlock and let me be free. For just about a year now, I have been stuck in this captivity of life, unable to move forward, unable to move backwards, or side to side. I've been able to glance around, remember, look forward to and plan, but it's all been out of arms reach until now. I move to Grand Prairie in less than a week to begin a new journey.

Over the course of this past year, I have made incredible friends, I've learned to love, learned that it's okay to be imperfect, learned to laugh more than I ever have, but most importantly, I've learned who I was. Not that I didn't have a inkling clue as to who I was, but I learned that I don't have to try to be something for someone else that I'm not, I don't have to fancy myself up to impress people. I've also realized again that it's not about what we do it's about who we are with. Relationships are the center point of life. Being independent is okay, it's perceived well, but at the end of the day when you're all alone it doesn't feel good.

The friends I have made while being back at home I never though I'd ever be friends with. The best part I believe is that we all have one thing in common Rockwall. We are all from here originally, all went to high school together, and we all knew each other in high school but weren't close friends. Well I suppose I should say, I wasn't friends with any of them. They welcomed me into their friendship circle with open arms, they didn't judge me on who I used to be but they loved me for who I am now- and I them.

I'll say this about Beverly. We've known each other since 7th grade, we played basketball together, we've had classes together. We went to high school together, all along we've known who each other were but we never really KNEW each other. I started working at El Cayote Rojo back in October- let me back up, I moved home in July. I knew some people who had stuck around Rockwall which I was in Denton, but they weren't people you move home to hang out with all the time. So I didn't. It was a very lonely time for me. So I started working at Rojo in October. I instantly recognized Beverly when I started working there, the first few days we worked together we didn't really talk much. We knew who each other were but we were both unsure of each other. Would she be just another co-worker I say hi to and only talk to when at work, or would she be the hated coworker that I avoided at work. Luckily, it turned out to be neither. I remember the day we first talked. Standing by the computer in the back of the restaurant by the bathrooms, she was putting in an order, I needed to put one in, so I stood there quietly, when finally I said "hey, so what have you been up to since high school?" And at that moment she and I just talked, not the awkward, hey! trying to be nice and polite but I'm going to walk away now kind of conversation, but genuine. I finally felt good for the first time since I had moved home. She was my first real friend after moving home, and to quite honest I think she's the first real girl friend I've had come out of Rockwall. I love my old girl friends from high school, the ones that i've known for years and years but they never treated me the way Bev does. They were passive. Beverly isn't.

Sorry for the mushy mush stuff but it's that journey I've been rambling about. Even though I've been stuck on this roller coaster ride of 'what next?' I've found some good people to ride with. After I graduated I didn't exactly know what I wanted to do, I wanted to work, I wanted to go back to school, I wanted to travel the world. I had so many options in the palm of my hand and at times even though I wish I had applied for grad school for fall 2009, or wish that I moved my crap home and just traveled Alexander Supertramp style, I'm glad things turned out the way they did. I do feel that I spent my time here with the unanswerable 'what's next' question hanging above my head, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

The Rockwall rollercoaster ride is finally coming to an end and even though I now hate to get off because I finally just started to enjoy it, it is time to move on and begin life as a real bill paying adult. Not that I don't thoroughly enjoy free rent and free food, it's just time.

I now understand God's plan as to why he didn't let me be accepted to CSU, KSU, or back to UNT. He sat there and watched me struggle, cry, and feel like a failure because I didn't get accepted to the schools, but all along he was smiling knowing that I would soon realize that the relationships I made over the course of this year will last me longer than any graduate program. So he sent me to UTA to be able to flourish these relationships I have made.

Writer's Block to Free Writing

I've spent the last months and a few days staring at the blank page of my blog, digging deep inside of me trying to pull out the slightest bit of something chewable to produce. Couldn't do it. Couldn't find anything worth posting. So since I'm stuck with writer's block I'm going to let go of my conscious mind and let my subconscious and fingers do the talking here. I can't make an promises this will be understandable or legible, but I'll do my best.

Some would say I lead a semi-interesting life, more of a dual personality I'd say. Going from the professional mature college graduate in the office putting her degree to use, then going to the casual "I moved back in with my parents" waitress at a local restaurant.

I don't know how I do it, but some how I manage. It's like I'm living two completely different lives here. By day I'm an adult, by night I'm still a kid. Maybe it's just because I can't let go of my youth just yet. I thought I was so ready for adulthood, jobs, bills, "on my own" life, but then I realized I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Being an adult can be great sometimes, but after I finish at the office, I just want to kick off my uncomfortable shoes and play on the playground.

Youth is something you can only do once, I'll never be as young as I was yesterday, I'll never have the NATURAL wrinkle-free skin again, I'll never be this flexible, or mobile, or energetic, or free, if you will. Many people see this as an out, their out to immaturity, but that's not what it's about. It's about being mature, making mature decisions, but still being vivacious. Youth to me is the time when I can do anything I want to do, physically, mentally and emotionally. I wouldn't go as far as to say when I was 17 years old I was ready or mature enough to handle a real relationship full of love, or jumping out of an airplane, or even driving cross country for a camping trip. I can't say I wouldn't or didn't do such things at that age, but I did them with a sense of immaturity. Meaning, something always went wrong, or someone got hurt due to lack of maturity.

I realize these statements are arguable, however I am only speaking from personal experience and talking solely of myself, not of others, however this may and probably does relate to many.

I wouldn't say I'm wise beyond my years at age 21, but I'd still say I've learned a lesson or two throughout my life thus far and with those lessons comes responsibility and even more: maturity. Though I will still drive cross country for a camping trip, jump out of airplanes, or even fall in love once or twice, I do it with a sense of realism and knowledge. This time, I'll make sure I have enough money for gas to get us home, I'll make sure to have a back up plan if my parachute doesn't open properly, and for the best part of becoming mature, love. This time I'll be considerate of my partners feelings, I will suffice to giving and not just taking, I will be a partner not a dictator (and this list could go on, but I'll stop there).

My point is, even though you live a professional life, it doesn't mean you have to give up your youth. Ever. After the day is done and the bills are paid, forget about the house work, forget about your kids soccer practice, take a day or two and just be young again. Go camping, go bungee jumping, go get your toenails painted a funky glow in the dark color, play dress up and put on bright read lipstick and hot pink eyeshadow. Do whatever it takes to remind you that you're not dead yet so enjoy your youthfulness. Besides is there really a set definition for the word 'youth' anyway? at what exact point does youth become adult? There isn't a real set definition, and there isn't a specific turning point, so after the day is done go back to your youthfulness and enjoy it.


Note: When I began writing this post this is not where I thought it was going to go, but I just let my mind speak freely and my fingers guide me, and this is what came out. I hope you enjoy it.