Crazy Days and Tired Times

My sister is getting married in 6 days. She is the first of the Self girls, in Atlantis. There's nothing I really can't stand more than the hustle and bustle of trying to get things organized the week before a big trip. I understand that everyone wants everything to be perfect and doesn't want anything to be left behind, but still, is it really necessary for people to get mad with anxiety and fear of forgetfulness?

I have decided for the moment I am forgoing my next chance at the GRE test, in pursuit to focus solely on my critical essay. I have completed my first rough draft and am in the process of editing it, the first time.

Have you ever heard of a book called "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman? I was pursuing the shelves at Barnes and Noble yesterday, with a copy of The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde, and The Call of The Wild/White Fang by Jack London in my hand, heart set on reading The Call of The Wild after I finish my current book on Jane Austen to further my insight of Christopher McCandless.

A good friend gave me a copy of Into The Wild by Jon Kraukaur for my birthday, the best 21st birthday present I could ever receive. It's as if he knew exactly.... well, me. We hadn't been friends for very long, a month maybe? Still in the works of getting to know each other and to my surprise in my mail box one afternoon I find a copy on Into The Wild. Of course, I had never seen the movie, but I knew of it, but not so much of the story, itself. I began reading it a few days after I received it. Couldn't put it down. I'd stay up late after coming home from a night out with friends to see what crazy mess of ideas Chris McCandless, or better known as Alexander Supertramp, was up to. Burning money, ditch his car, hitchhiking to Alaska from Georgia with a college degree- what an idiot I thought for about the first 150 pages, then it clicked. Something inside of me turned with the way the words formed in my mouth as I read them silently as if I were reading out loud. Leo Tolstoy, Jack London, and Henry David Thoreau- WHAT KOOKS! Living as one with nature.. OH OKAY!! I'd like to see someone who is so dependent on industrialization, technology, and processed food to drop everything and every natural way of life that we know as natural and revert back to "the old days" when humans were more neanderthal-like, and relied solely on the earth, moon, stars and sun for source of life. Though Chris didn't exactly succeed at his overall goal, that's not the point. Those of you who have seen the movie, probably thought to yourself when it was over.. well good I'm glad this he died because of ____X_____. (I wont spoil it for those who have not read/seen it)

But it wasn't about that, Alexander Supertramp wasn't crazy. If anything, he was the most sane, clear thinking person I've ever read about, felt, somewhat known, felt connected to... etc. Chris McCandless had the balls to do something most people talk and dream about but never actually do.... JUST GOING, picking up and following your heart no matter what life throws at you. I wont preach but I admire him.

Back to Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. It should be a good one. I put back The Picture of Dorian Grey and The Call of The Wild/White Fang for this one because I liked the cover and I really like Cocoa Puffs.

If you ever get a chance to pick up a book, check out The Delivery Man by Joe McGinness Jr. Probably one of the best books I have EVER read. People always say, you cant just a book by its cover- I choose books by their cover and their title. I can always find the most interesting books just by the picture and the title on the cover. Never in my life would I have though The Delivery Man was going to be about what it was about (again I wont spoil it). But sure enough, it definitely had an impact on me.

Well its time to get back to crazy wedding plans, hectic airport traffic and security procedures, and making sure my mother doesn't forget my sister's wedding dress.

Oh the irony in that situation, not that I wish it to happen, of course i'd NEVER wish that, but oh the irony in it. I'd love to hear the story after the fact.

I'll be gone a week, with no internet access, apparently it costs $75 to log on to the World Wide Web, and the $3 per minute after the initial log in- not a chance. I plan on gambling my money away at the black jack table a few nights. Maybe I'll get lucky and hit a jackpot on one of the slot machines as I walk by.

We'll see.

my non-existent wrist watch is exhausted from all the travel.

It's been a long hard road but working on recovery

A good friend told me yesterday, it's not always enough to just memorize what you need to pass the test, but if this is what you really want, really where your heart lies, you won't just memorize things to just pass the test; you need to actually KNOW it, learn it, want it bad enough.

He used the metaphor of jumping hurdles, it's not enough to just focus on the next hurdle you have to focus on winning the race.

I think this is one of the best pieces of advice i've ever received, and it really hit me in the face like a south bound truck going 90 miles an hour.

I've realized that I tend to half-ass everything I do. In high school, I did only just what was minimally required to get the passing grade. In college, my first year, I couldn't even tell you what classes I took, what we studied or who my teachers were. I didn't do so hot that year, but all was forgiven when I increased things about 10% to make the C or the B, if the class was easy enough, I'd get an A, but I stuck mostly in the B average range and graduated in that range. I believe now, that if I had actually given my all, given everything I could give I would have done much much better, and probably wouldn't have such a hard time with the GRE test.

That good friend I mentioned early, sent me a text message this morning that said "the minute you quit justifying and call a duck a duck, it goes a lot smoother." In context to the above and the GRE test, I blame my not doing so well on the GRE due to the fact that I am dyslexic and was pulled out of my language arts classes in grade school to go to language science, where instead of learning vocabulary, root words, prefixes/ suffixes and the works, we learned Apple-a (soft 'a', you make the sound) Apron- A (hard 'a') We were learning phonetics and not meanings. As I reread this text message over and over, I thought of this excuse I was giving and not taking responsibility for the fact that it's not my schools fault, or my language science teacher's fault for not teaching us root woods, but phonetics instead, it's my fault for not giving my all to studying when I knew that this stuff was going to be on the test, and never learned it in grade school. I should have worked five times harder than everyone else who was taught language arts, took latin, and who are fluent in spanish and french; but I didn't, therefore now my grades are justified.

Next time, I'll do it bigger, better, and harder than everyone else, then when I know I have truly given 110%, my all, my whole heart and soul into the test, and if I still don't do as well as I hope, I won't cry, I won't beat my self up and question my future. Because I'll know I did the very damn best I could and that's that.

I am just about finished with my critical essay. I would like to post it on here, but I think I will wait until after I have been accepted so no one will plagiarize it or know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody at one the school's I am applying for and who knows something could happen that because I posted it and it might ruin my chances of getting into a certain school. I have 8 pages, 8 laborious, thorough, mind boggling pages about 18th century marriages.

UTA is looking pretty good, I think I have a solid chance at KSU, CU is pretty much out, CSU- I'm still trying to read them, UNT- they require 10 to 15 pages of the essay, I'm not so sure I can produce more coherent pages that keep the essay focused, but we'll see.

I hope you believe in me.

Hello Life Direction, are you out there?

Today hasn't been as easy as I thought it was going to be. The day after my test last time, I wasn't phased much by the bad score, but today, I am. I've been in an easily irritable mood, gloomy and selfish today and I think I deserve the right to be and feel all of the above without a conciliation prize of a fight because I'd to see all of you out there trying to fulfill your dream and have it come crashing down on you each time you think you've got it. Yeah, that's what I thought.

My internship has told me they would like to discuss additional hours, I was working about 8 hours a week, due to my Kaplan course and my other job at the restaurant. Additional hours? That's great and wonderful that means they like me, but do I have additional hours to spare? I suppose I could cut out the time I spend at the gym, or the amount of sleep I hardly get, but is it really worth it for that extra $9/hr? Sure, it would be great to work additional hours to make the additional $9/hr to put towards graduate school..... oh wait, well what's the point of additional hours if I can't even pass the GRE test to get ACCEPTED to graduate school....

sounds like a dichotomy to me or maybe the conundrum in itself is all that is glorified to show me the life of that which I will be stuck with in the end results of not getting into graduate school.

Geeze, what a life I look forward to if I don't get into graduate school.

I made the comment to a friend that if I don't get it, I could always marry rich. Of course I was being facetious, but really I question myself everyday, what else am I good at? and everyday I hear the exact same answer.. NOTHING.

Well, I can take the test again next month, deadlines for graduate school are Dec 1. Will I make it? I have my sisters wedding at the end of October, we will be gone a week. I can spend as much time as possible studying while laying on the beach, but how much real study time will I have? Probably not a whole lot is what I'm thinking. If they bump up my hours at the internship, thats fewer hours I am able to spend studying, and the restaurant schedule is so chaotic I never know when I'm supposed to work next. Silly people.

I want this, I think.

Maybe, it's not where I'm supposed to end up but as of now I don't see any other options for me.

LOST:

MEGHAN'S LIFE DIRECTION

If you find it please return to me

time to reevaluate things...

I just got back from my GRE test.. My heart dropped as the scores appeared on the screen.

I'm not allowed to say much about the test due to the confidentiality clause I copied and autographed before the test.

I know I wrote a really badass essay, but it seems that's not enough.

Of the list of the 200 most common GRE words that Kaplan and ETS gave me, NONE of them were on my test. SHITTY. WASTED TIME.

430 verbal, 380 math. I get my essay score back in 2 weeks.

As I left the test center, I question myself whether graduate school is right for me anymore. Maybe it's not where I belong, maybe I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tough enough, maybe I just don't want it bad enough?

It's time to take some time to reevaluate my life. Where do I go from here? I can take it again, sure, I can study harder, retake the Kaplan courses, I can learn more vocabulary words, but what if I don't get that 600, again? I never thought I wanted anything more in life than to go to graduate school, I've never thought about anything else, It's always been my dream. But maybe it's not where I'm meant to be.

Hello, life direction are you out there? I need you. I need you bad.

Today's the big day

I woke up about an hour ago feeling lethargic and anxious. They always say you should get a goodnight's sleep before a big test, well sleeping on my friends living room couch isn't the best possible means for getting a good night's sleep, is it? But that'll do pig, that'll do.

I have 2.5 hours until I have to be at the testing center. I arrived in the magnificent, homely, Denton Texas at 6 and went straight to the UNT library. I know, I know I'm not really supposed to go there since I'm not a student anymore, but hey, there was good tuition money put towards that library and I never took advantage of it while I was in school, so I plan to take full advantage of it afterwards. I'm an alumni of UNT I think I should always have the rights to the library.

I found a hidden study spot on the 4th floor between the Music Scores and Music Books, and proceeded to spend the next 2 hours with my brain in between the annoying pages of my Kaplan GRE book. Which once I decided to take a study break I proceeded to accidently leave at the library in my hidden spot. Around midnight I realized that I didn't have my Kaplan book with me and rushed back to the library in a mad pursuit.

Safely hidden, untouched, tucked away right where I left it. Whew!

Well, nonetheless it was a semi-adventurous evening before my GRE test. I feel confident in my ability in using Kaplan's secret strategies, I feel anxious that this potentially be the first day of the rest of my life, I feel scared. I'm only 21 years old, how did I make it this far so soon? There's 21 year olds that are just getting their high school degree.... How is it that I feel so adolescent yet my brain apparently believes it's not so adolescent. I still need my mother to hold my hand and walk me into my first day of school; I question repeatedly, am I ready for this?

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of your life."

Study breaks during work...

I had to work last night at this new Mexican Cantina here in Rockwall. It's fresh, and it was Friday night.. ultimately meaning old people's date night- let's go out for dinner!! It really makes me wonder how people find it so amusing and thrilling to go out for dinner once a week, once a month, or even a few times a year. I can not wrap my sophomoric mind around this strange idea, dinner out only on special occasions? I spent the last three years of my life in the drive through window, it's a rarity that I eat in.

Even living at home with my parents, I still manage to eat fast food, or eat at restaurants at least 3 to 4 times a week. Though, ironically I've found that the food consumption in Denton, Texas certainly didn't affect my body as much as Rockwall, and those extra 7 pounds will testify my validity to that statement.

It's 4:30 Friday evening and I am at work. Luckily I brought my Kaplan Pocket GRE Study Guide with me. I have decided to take it with me every where I go, incase I manage a few lapse in my hectic schedule I can always pull out my Pocket Guide and review a few vocabulary words. So, I'm sitting there waiting for the new restaurant to figure out how it's going to run it's business tonight, it seems that we still haven't been able to work out all of the 'kinks' in the service and the managerial departments. I take a seat at an empty table to wait for my name to be put on the evening server list to take tables and begin to review vocabulary words.

I get a chance to go over about 20 words before I get sat. I take my table with a counterfeit smile and kiss ass the best I can for that tip. For those of you who do know me, I'm sure you will agree, and for those who don't, I will do my best not to stray too far from the truth on this, but I can be obstinate, I can be aggressive and insolent at times and I certainly am not one to be passive and take orders; ironically, I do enjoy serving tables. It's a chance for to be to become anyone I want to be. For instance at my last serving job in Denton, I once told a table that I was apart of the UNT Cheerleading squad and that I was a math major. It's easy to deceive people when all you are to them is someone who provides their corpulent bodies with "more rolls please!"

We got pretty busy last night, and aside from the Mariachi band in my ear the entire night, it was a relatively good night. Though I spent most of my night concentrating on refilling drinks and taking orders in my mind I kept going over those 20 words, 19 of which I forgot and at every chance I got, like when I was supposed to be putting in an order or checking on my table, I would quickly pull out my GRE Pocket Guide from my apron and research my word in the mini-dictionary.

All in all, I didn't get a chance to thoroughly study as much as I would have preferred, but that's okay. I have today and tomorrow to study.

Oh wait, I am about to leave for my 1030 to 430 shift at the restaurant. Then I have to attend my sisters Bachelorette party this evening at 8:00 pm. I will do nothing but study when I get home until 7 pm when I have to get dressed and leave. I will keep you posted. I'm already late for work as it is.

in the beginning there was me, and my dream...

I've been thinking, I've always wanted to become a writer, well a published writer for those of you who will cringe at my words and say, "if you write, you are a writer, regardless." Well, what good is it if no one else ever reads what you write, right? Okay, okay, I write for myself mostly, but I do have some good ideas and thoughts I'd like to share with the rest of the world. And that's why I want to be a published author. So I thought one place to begin, become a blogger. Though my words might not be in print and on a book shelf, like I'd prefer, most of the world is Internet savvy these days and not browsing the dusty bookshelves, so what difference does it make?

Let me tell you a little about myself first, I posses a Bachelor's degree in Technical Writing from the University of North Texas. Technical Writing? What's that, you ask? Well, in the broad scheme of things, it's a degree that allows me to write proposals, manuals, edit documents and such... Sounds boring, you say... well, it is. It's the degree the stereo instruction writer's hold. Why would I get that degree, you ask? Well the way I see it, someone's got to do it, and I'm not good at much else. For as far back as I can remember I've always read books, and I've always wanted to write. What can you really do with a Bachelor's degree in Creative Writing and/or Literature? NOT MUCH, I chose Technical Writing because for most of my life growing up I watched my father leave the house at 6:00 am dressed in slacks, a pressed shirt, with brief case in hand. In my mind he went somewhere magical. Someplace happy, with business calls, computers, money making strategies, and interaction with clients, all the while sitting in a really comfortable chair. I wanted to be my father. That's why I chose Technical Writing, so I could dress in business casual, carry a brief case, and work from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm Monday thru Friday. Ahh, that seemed like the life.

During my final semester in college, I got a job writing proposals. I worked 3 days a week due to class interference, 8:00 am to 5:00 pm, I loved it, for a week. I worked there for 3 months before putting in my 2 weeks notice. To my astonishment, was I wrong about the magical work place. Way wrong. It was hell, and I quickly pitied my father for having to do the daily routine 5 days a week, 340-something days of the year, for 40 years. I couldn't fathom the idea, I certainly wasn't about to waste the next 40 years of my life at a dead end job writing proposals. No Thank You, and shut the door.

I had just graduated college, it's june of 2009 around 11 in the morning on a beautiful sunny Tuesday. I am lounging at my apartment community pool, margarita in hand, day dreaming. "What about grad school?" I said out loud to my friend analogously lounging opposite to me. A month later I found myself moved back into my childhood home with my parents, no job, no current plans, browsing the web for information about graduate schools.

Where to begin? Take the GRE test. The Graduate Record Examination. Sounds intimidating huh? Yeah, I thought so too, especially since I'm not the greatest of test takers, had to take the SAT and ACT 3 times each, just to get the minimum score required for admissions on academic probation to UNT. It's not that I'm not smart, I have a hint of dyslexia and SUPER BAD test anxiety. If I weren't smart, you think I would have made it through college in 3 years and graduated with a 3.7 GPA in my upper level courses? Or maybe they were just easy classes as my biology major friend facetiously jokes.

I bought a book, GRE General Test Prep, by REA. I called ETS (Educational Testing Services) to sign up for the test, August 26, 2009, 7:00 am. It was July 13th. I had a little over a month to study, eh.. no biggie, that's PLENTY of time for preparation, I thought.

I spent a few hours a week casually perusing the GRE book, making vocabulary flash cards and searching college websites all across the United States for which school I wanted to attend.

The morning of my test, I woke up at 6:30 am, ate some breakfast, showered, tried to review some vocabulary words, but couldn't concentrate enough to retain anything. I was pretty nervous, but confident. I thought it was going to be cake.

3 and 1/2 hours later, I walk out with my head hung low, in shock, and feeling defeated. 390 verbal, 350 math?! I was at least happy with my writing score: 4.

Let me explain the test briefly, 3 sections: 1. writing, 2. verbal, 3. quantitative. Because I am applying for English graduate studies, the math isn't important, LUCKILY because I couldn't tell you what 24 + 16 is without using a calculator or my fingers. The writing section is scored 0-6 (6 is best), based on ability to organize, having effective command of the English Language and your ability to construct a graduate level essay. The quantitative and verbal sections are scored 200-800. (you get 200 points just for opening the section, you don't have to answer a single question and you get 200 points.) Seems easy enough, but it's not. The test is on a computer, called CAT, computer adaptive test, means the computer generates the next question depending on whether you get the question you're on correct or incorrect. you get one right, you get a harder one next, your score goes up. If you get the question wrong you get an easier one next, your score goes down. Kind of reminds me of a woman's emotions during pregnancy.

I need a 600 on verbal and a 5 on the writing section to get into the school of my choice, The University of Colorado at Boulder.

Again, I got a 390 verbal, 350 math and a 4 on my writing. Shitty.. I have to take the test again, mind you its $150 each time. You can only take it once a month and 5 times total in a consecutive year. This test was going to be the end of me, I thought.

I signed up for a 4 week prep course through Kaplan. Where they taught me different strategies and methods to use when approaching the questions on the GRE. The class itself was tedious, annoying at times, and painstakingly boring but very beneficial. I have learned new ways to approach problems I am faced with on the GRE in a highly effective way. My vocabulary has increased significantly, and I can actually attempt math questions with a little bit of ease. It was just like regular school, I had homework, quizzes and tests, and we even took attendance.

My new test date is Monday October 12th at noon.

Though I still don't feel as prepared as I should, I know I am much more prepared than the last time. It's Friday the 9th, I have two more days to cram as many vocabulary words, definitions, antonyms, analogy bridges, and increase my reading speed by 50% before noon on Monday. I also have to work this weekend, I couldn't get off the whole weekend, it's a new job, and a new restaurant. So I'll study around the mexican food, ice tea and tips.

My ultimate goal: To attend a highly accredited University for a Master's degree in British Literature. I also hope to do a semester or two abroad in England, maybe an exchange program at Oxford, anyone? That would be outrageous! Then after I receive my Master's, I will go on to a different graduate school to receive my Doctorate again, in British Literature, with a concentration specifically in 18th century British Literature. Come on, you have to love Mary Shelley, where would Halloween and Boris Karloff be without her imagination of creating Victor Frankenstein's gruesome Monster. I want to be a professor. I want to write scholarly books, I want to write fiction novels and poetry. I want to do research on Jane Austen and visit Bath to walk to streets Catherine Mooreland from Northanger Abbey walked.